Thursday, 30 December 2010

An admission

This is a personal post, not directly related to any 'reform' or cut. But I thought it might be relevant to some of you

Cross posted at Rage against the Coalition

It's been a few weeks since I've written and many of you may be wondering what happened. I went from posting several times a day to nothing for weeks.
Well, quite simply, I am tired. The constant onslaught of articles, the nasty comments, the blinkered views, have all combined to make me feel worn out.
The right wing press and believers have been doing their work on me and making me feel like I have to constantly justify myself, why I'm not working, why I'm claiming benefits.

I'm ashamed to admit it in the face of all the admirable and ongoing action from others but that's what it is. I have been sleeping a lot and my MS symptoms have been flaring again because I have caught a cold. Yep, a normal, everyday cold.
For most people a cold is nothing but an irritant that makes them feel a bit icky. For me, it makes me so tired I could cry and makes my head hurt enough to stop me sleeping properly.
I don't have the energy or the mental faculty to write with my previous zeal. And that in itself makes me feel bad. Because I want to be fighting, I want to feel useful and do something against these cuts that will make the lives of so many people miserable.
There is so much out there that makes me angry and I need to do something about it. But my body won't let me.

And that is part of the issue. If I have an illness that affects me to the point where I can't fight for myself, then why should I feel bad about that? Why should my own Government make me feel bad? And why would they be trying to implement plans that will make my life harder?
People like me aren't starting from the same level playing field. But the government refuses to see that.
And that in itself makes me feel even worse.

I don't have the strength or the energy to fight right now. I need others to fight for me. I hate that. And I hate that I don't see it happening. There is solidarity for the students, solidarity for the tax avoidance protests, solidarity for the public sector job cuts. As there should be. But if I can support them in the small way that I am able then why aren't they standing in solidarity with me?

Is the right wing press doing it's work on them too?


  1. I know exactly what you mean I dont have it in me to fight. I wish i did but this dreaded MS has stolen all the fight i once had within me :-( I want someone who has the will and the strength to stand by my side and fight in my(our) corner but I have nobody. Its just me. I am so tired and worn down/out every day that I am lost in confusion of fear and desperation and lethargy beyond any normal tiredness.

    I feel a nothing in the big scheme of things. I am nothing. Just an annoying inconvenience to people. Just........ Nothing.

  2. "I wish to be left alone," said Cameron/Scrooge.

    "Since you ask me what I wish, gentlemen, that is my answer. I don't make merry myself at Christmas, and I can't afford to make idle people merry. I help to support the establishments I have mentioned: they cost enough: and those who are badly off must go there."

    "Many can't go there; and many would rather die."

    "If they would rather die," said Cameron/Scrooge, "they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population. ...

    That's how I feel today - Don't know why to be honest (Watching Christmas Carol - Muppets version)

  3. If I were a broken toy
    You would throw me in the bin
    If I were an animal
    Euthanasia would come in

    But - I - I am a Human
    I have supposed 'Human rights'
    And yet this coalition
    Has turned my life into a constant fight

    I have to fight to prove I'm broken
    Just enough to qualify
    For PIP and ESA and stuff
    Or they'll just hang me out to dry

    I didn't ask to be disabled
    I didn't ask for my life to change
    I didn't ask for all this pain and stuff
    And my life to be re-arranged

    I do not enjoy begging this government
    For food to line my belly
    For heat and light and housing
    And to hear how they hate me on the telly

    I do not enjoy being a nothing
    I do not find warmth in being one of 'the scum'
    I really hate having to ask for money
    And I am not the only one

    I am too tired to fight the big guns
    My voice it is far far too small
    I know you cannot hear me as
    Up on that pedestal you are too tall

    Your ears are closed to the needy
    Your heart it has just turned to stone
    And the broken ones of Britain
    We have to get through this all alone

    I am sorry that my body
    Will not work as I need it to
    I am sorry I cannot do things
    That would make me not depend on you

    But I really do not want to
    Cease to exist to help your cause
    I just want to be allowed to LIVE life
    Even tho mine has so many flaws

    Please Mr David, please just hear me
    Please listen through my tears
    Hear what I am saying
    About my fright, terror and fears

    Please stop attacking those people like me
    We are NOT the sh*t upon your shoe
    To show Humanity is not a flaw
    It's what could make the huMAN of You